If I were to describe your halo glow
Your beaming smile and your radiance
I don't know who you will be when you grow
Your chest rises and falls in sweet cadence
My baby as you sit here in my arm
Your tight grip and your suck are my delight
In darkness just us two in the star’s charm
I feed you and soothe the cry of the night
A seedling planted in the ground of time
Potential overflows yet to be seen
To sprout my child into the sublime
This time I treasure until you must wean
My child let me in, who will you be?
I ponder as I sing your melody
I loved this depiction of a mother talking to her new baby. I could feel the calmness in the speaker's voice as she spoke to her baby as she fed him or her. I especially liked the line, “Your chest rises and falls in sweet cadence.” I think this is a beautiful poem!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the softness in the writing, it does a great job of showing a mother talking to their child. I also like this poem's metaphor, especially emphasized with the picture. Comparing a mother's child growing to the growing of a plant. One suggestion I have is to change the last line from "as I sing your melody" to "as I sing you a melody." It could be I don't understand the line but I don't understand how the baby has a melody. Great job overall!
ReplyDeleteI thought the author did a great job sticking to the specifications of a sonnet. The poem is simple and beautiful and describes a common image well. My favorite line was "rises and falls in sweet cadence." I also liked "star's charm". I thought there was a balance of images and the narrator's petition to the child.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a sweet and serene poem and really conveys the emotions and thoughts that a person has when holding a little baby. My favorite line is " a seedling planted in the ground of time" because it shows instead of tells us that the mother is thinking about how fast the child is going to grow up. I don't love the line about the two of them alone in the dark-it creates a bit of a somber feel, but the poem is so sweet, so i'd maybe try and change that. Excellent job overall!!
ReplyDeleteThe comparison of a baby to a seedling in this poem is great. The speaker did a nice job of showing and not telling. For example, “your tight grip and your suck are my delight.” I really pictured the baby sucking on the mother’s breast and the mother having a huge smile on her face. What I don’t understand is the melody that the mother is singing?
ReplyDeleteThe comparison of a baby to a seedling in this poem is great. The speaker did a nice job of showing and not telling. For example, “your tight grip and your suck are my delight.” I really pictured the baby sucking on the mother’s breast and the mother having a huge smile on her face. What I don’t understand is the melody that the mother is singing?
ReplyDeleteI think this poem was very beautiful! I didnt grab the idea of the seed at first because I missed the title but after reading it together it was really a beautiful mix of the actual seed growing and the growing of a baby.
ReplyDeletei think in the future maybe just work on the flowing of the words so it can roll together better, maybe having to do with pentameter?
Overall amazing job! One of the best sonnets I have seen!
Beautiful poem, I think it "shows" really well and really paints a visual picture using words. It seems like some of your lines are not in perfect iambic pentameter as we discussed in class, I would recomment reading it out loud how we did in class a few times or asking someone to read it out loud to you, so you can really hear where the emphasis and de-emphasis is and needs to be.
ReplyDeleteYou successfully created a soft and sweet feeling to this poem. The comparison of a seed of a baby is creative and emphatic in developing this tone. I loved this line-Potential overflows yet to be seen. I like how it is so clearly applicable to both a baby and a plant
ReplyDeleteQuestion-What is the melody of the baby that is referred to in the last line?
Overall really enjoyed it!
Some good progress on your sonnet here. They are quite a challenge, and hearing the meter takes some practice. Your rhyme scheme is already a sonnet if we include the off and slant rhymes, but your meter is off in some places. On the other hand, about half of these lines are already in correct meter or close enough.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see you work on the rhythms in this poem, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed.
Some of the lines here are already in iambic pentameter. You can use the sound of these lines to revise the others. Here are lines already in perfect meter: "I ponder as I sing your melody" as well as "My baby as you sit here in my arm"
Also, this whole stanza is metrically on point. Good job here:
A seedling planted in the ground of time
Potential overflows yet to be seen
To sprout my child into the sublime
This time I treasure until you must wean
Some of these lines are close to iambic pentameter. With a little more tweaking, they can be in meter.
The words "cadence" and "delight" are not iambs. They follow a stressed, then unstressed pattern. So it's nearly impossible to use them as end words in a sonnet, as you do here in a couple lines. All of the lines that end with those words end in a meter other than iambic pentameter.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. I'm looking forward to our meeting.